I used to interpret this song much differently, thinking it was about being angry with God and contemplating suicide. Now I see it as a man trying to accept and deal with his grief and how it has deeply and forever changed him. He speaks to his heart, knowing he has to calm it himself, despite his incredible loss, and that nobody can really understand or feel what he feels. He's not going to pretend to love life (how some people try to pretend they are ok after a loss), but he doesn't want to be afraid of it anymore. He's facing life and himself.
I was still struggling with physical grief yesterday, so I got in to see my doctor and she agreed that Lorazepam for short term would help me through this. She is seeing me again on Friday to follow up.
I also got a call from the animal hospital yesterday, much sooner than I expected, and had to arrange to pay the bill. Knowing the amount and that it was all for naught just made me feel all that much worse. I am going to have to be very stingy with money for the next year, and still somehow I feel guilty, as if I could have changed the outcome in some way if I had done something differently. I realize logically how absurd that kind of guilt is, but I feel it internally and very physically none the less. Grief is a powerful thing. Nothing seems fair right now.
Yesterday after getting the prescription filled, I immediately had one 1 mg pill at 4 pm. It helped me get through that phone call about the bill and carried me through some until I got home. I still cried a lot when I got home, because I think I just expected to settle the bill in a few more days and it just seemed a bit cold to me, despite how much the woman said she was so sorry. It just reminded me that it's only been a few days since Fenwick is no longer here, and all the things in the last few weeks that were rough, and holding him at the very end when it was all over. It sorta just ripped open the wound, but I think with that one pill, I held in there and did what I needed to do.
I started off today with only half a pill. I was gloomy and down, but at least I was able to focus more on my work and made it through the day. I got home and took a quarter of the other half. I think this medicine has been tremendously helpful. Because of it, I was able to get some control over the immense shaking and tightness in my chest, and all the adrenaline that was probably over shooting through my veins, and I have slowly started to feel more normal, and better able to get through this all.
This past Sunday I had posted to Freecycle and Craigslist seeking someone who had a cat with the same problem as mine, and I received a response. I met the woman tonight and gave her all of Fenwick's meds. She is a nice woman and we talked for a bit. I hope to keep in contact and get to know her better.
I still have guilt, anger, grief... you name it, but somehow tonight I was able to find a better sense of true acceptance of how it all went down, and I know I did what I could. I'll get through this.
I had a lucid dream this morning that Fenwick was on my back, purring loudly and kneading. Two of my cats were next to me and one was purring, but I guess my mind went to where it needed to go. I have called Cosmo by Fenwick's name a few times as well. This is still hard.
It was really weird, because in my mind, I know he is gone, but it seemed so real, and for a few seconds it seemed like the past week was all a bad dream and that the dream was reality. Then I woke up and realized that I still had to accept what I didn't want to. I think the mind does this sort of thing to try to help you cope, but it only made me wake up feeling bad and depressed again.
I am starting the difficult process of being in my own home without Fenwick. Everywhere I look, it reminds me of him not being here anymore.
I had bought a box of 100 puppy training pads before I brought him home last Saturday, because I thought after the surgery, he might have needed them in his bedding. I just posted them for free on craigslist and someone is picking them up today.
I also posted to craigslist and freecycle for anyone with a cat with megacolon to contact me, and simply said that my cat passed and that I had some items for a cat with the same problem that I wanted to pass along. It's five bottles of medicine and another med that is expensive too. I figure there is no point to throwing it away if it can help another cat and cat owner.
This is really hard, but I know I have to start the process. Physically, I am trembling constantly and my chest is pained and tight, and every now and them I just tear up and cry. The skin around my eyes and nose is swollen, red, sore and chapped and has been pushed to it's limits. It gets a bit easier every day, though it's a slow process. Everything is so different now and I have to adjust.
To everyone who has responded through this and after, and also to those who felt they wanted to say something, but weren't able to put it to words. Thank you.
I will try my best to get through this. Please understand that I may not be myself for a few weeks. I may try to fill the void, break down, crawl into my cave, and cry a lot from out of the blue. It's going to take some time to fully accept all of this. He meant that much to me.
I have to go back in about a week or ten days to pick up the ashes and Fenwick's things I left tonight, and to deal with the bill. So this is not even over fully just yet.
Tonight happened fast. I had called in the early afternoon and things were not better with Fenwick, but doing ok, and then he slowly went downhill hour by hour, and on my way to visit with him I got stuck in traffic due to a bus that broke down on the side of the road and an accident further down the road. Don't even laugh, but my stupid fucking horoscope this day said as such - "You may find that the traffic is a little chaotic in places today. You'll be going along nicely then you turn a corner into an unexpected construction delay. Keep the local "traffic and weather" radio station turned on, especially if you are in a hurry today." Well fuck this horoscope, because when I turned on the news for traffic, I couldn't even get an AM station with any traffic news.
Fenwick started to crash at 6:30 and they did the minimum to hold him while they called me. I didn't hear my cell phone even ring either as I was driving. I got there at 7 pm. They said it was good that I had not seen him crashing, because it is not something I should see. When I got there and they told me this, I did not want him to suffer one second longer and quickly decided to not hold him anymore and they administered the meds. It was extremely hard. The doctor even cried. Everyone there had wanted him to make it.
They let me hold him in a blanket for about an hour and I tried to grieve and accept. I did and I didn't if that makes any sense. I know it's not right to be a Christian and call on God only when you need him, but I laid this in his hands, and I am trying to accept the outcome. I am dealing with some stuffed down anger right now.
You are Deanna Troi
|You are a caring and loving individual.
You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.
In the state of the economy now, every penny saved matters, and saved dollars are even better. I wanted to pass on a super money saving tip concerning non-generic medicines, as someone I just spoke to about it is already finding major money savings and discounts. It's very simple too. Just go to Google and look for the company of the brand name medicine(s) you are taking, and 99% of the time, the company is offering a coupon, a rebate, or even if you register, special discount cards for repeat reductions or lower copays on refills. I found $20 off one med and $24 off another, so that's a $44 savings. It's really that easy. If you check the websites for all non-generic meds for you and your family, it could add up to a ton of savings.
As for generic meds, Walmart seems to offer the best prices. $4 for 30 day supply and $10 for 90 day supply. As well, Walmart offers Ventolin HFA rescue inhalers for only $9, which is the lowest price on the market for a rescue inhaler (since there are no longer generic HFA rescue inhalers available).
Another way to save big is to play "The Prescription Moving Game". There are current coupon deals with Walgreens (weekly ad through 04/26) and RiteAid (through 05/31/09) for $25 gift cards with prescription transfers.
And guess what? CVS will honor the RiteAid coupons, because I just checked. They will honor only one $25 gift card coupon at a time (even though RiteAid honors two at a time), so I have to bring one prescription back tomorrow in order to get a gift card for each. Then next month when I need to refill these both, I can transfer the prescriptions to RiteAid, and use the coupons there and get another two gift cards.
I know this seems like a lot of trouble and work (because the clerk at CVS didn't know about this and neither did another clerk, so I had to be patient and ask them to please check, as I heard CVS accepted competitors coupons, and then a pharmasist came over and told the clerks that they would accept the coupon), but that’s $100 right there, so it's truly worth it.
Happy savings folks!
While this video is pretty funny, dust mites are not at all funny if you are allergic to them... so I am only just recently finding out. *sigh*
I finally got myself tested for allergies yesterday afternoon, and while I had a few reactions, the worst reaction I had by far was to dust mites. I assumed I was somewhat allergic to dust and dust mites, but I really had no idea that I was that extremely allergic to them. From the tiny test prick for dust mites, and after cortisone cream and 50 mg of Benadryl, my arm in that area is still red and swollen, and the skin is hot to the touch. So this explains why I have been feeling sick so much.
I also had no idea that every day normal cleaning in my apartment was not enough. Seems that basic dusting, vacuuming and laundering don't do much at all. After doing some research on this last night, I discovered that I should not only wash my bedding in hot water every two weeks, but also completely cover the mattress, box spring, pillows and comforter in special mite proof fabric encasings. I also found out that there are dust mite products that you can use as well, like laundry additive and sprays for the carpet and upholstered furniture to kill mites, and other sprays to neutralize the allergens in the dust mite waste. Then there's also the Hepa air cleaners too.
Jeez, I never realized I would be at freaking war with microscopic mites, but war it is. I've already ordered a Winix 9000 Hepa air cleaner from Costco, several of the dust mite treatments and some bedding encasings from National Allergy, and I'm considering also getting a Dyson vacuum and a Bissell carpet steam cleaner too. In two weeks, I also start the "formulated just for me" allergy shots, and will likely be on them for several months. I can only hope that things start to get better for me real soon. I am tired of feeling sick so much.